I feel so depressed lately. Fuck. You should see my notebook of writing... it's just full of darkness and hate. Heh. Why? I don't know. Floods of mixed emotions... anticipation, confusion, depression... it's just mixed into one. I don't even know why I'm feeling so depressed. I just am. I feel like yelling at someone, but the things that usually happen when I'm feeling like this... is a lot of anger. The physical kind... you know, like having that feeling of wanting to beat someone up. If I did went off on someone [no, not the internet] and got into a verbal fight with someone in person, I would probably faint with some wierd emotional fatigue. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. What the hell? Bah.

I just want to be alone. I want to be a loner. Can't I just disappear? It's not like anyone will notice, anyway.. at least, my mother wouldn't. I feel so much hate. Again, I'm not even sure why. I'm lying down... typing this and whatever else comes to mind, but for what? Maybe I'm just thinking too much. I have too much time... to think... to be angry. I shouldn't have quit piano. Or Tae Kwon Do. Or dancing. I quit everything I do... I never see things through. Am I afraid? Am I afraid of the rejection... the overwhelming responses if I did succeed...? I don't know. I don't know anything. Everything is so confusing.... not the things around me, but me as myself. I look back in my past and become sad. Has everything that I worked for, everything I did.... becoming to waste? I was such a talented piano player, all those years back. Mr. Fredrick told me that I was one of his most promising students. I had dreams of being a pianist. I had dreams of pursuing the beyond levels of my capacity as a piano player, and now what? I lost interest. I lose interest in everything. If I'm not happy with what I was doing, then I won't do it at all... even if, as a possibility, what I was going through may just be a phase that would most likely pass. But no, I didn't wait for it to pass. I just quit. Just like that. Tae Kwon Do.... I remember my very first class, years ago. Mr. Simons was impressed, and asked me if I had taken any private lessons before... I become overwhelmed, and after that, I started devoting myself to martial arts. I worked hard, loved what I was doing... until one day, I lost interest. WTF? How can you lose interest in something you love, and quit? How the fuck can someone like me still be around in this peice of rock we call Earth? I should just jump out of the gene pool and die. No one needs me. I hate myself. I can never keep a stable mind.

I'm too complicated. It contradicts myself.... hah. I contradict myself. Everything I say is a contradiction to something else that I have said before. I'm just one, big contradiction. Maybe it's for the better... if my family moves to Las Vegas. It'll give me another chance to start over anew, forget about my past and just... be alone. People will think I'm just some wierdo from California... a lonersome wierdo... and they'll keep away from me. No one will care about me, I'll just be by myself. That sounds so comforting; the serenity of isolation. Ahh, isolation. I might as well just kill myself. Then, I really will be alone.

Why am I thinking thoughts such as these? Ahh, I don't know.

Whatever. Goodbye.